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Thursday, 29 September 2011

Life and other things

Had a few rough days, one thing led to the other and I just felt absolutely devastated. The worst thing? I was feeling great until it all happened.

I'm working overtime at the moment, it's quite, really quite, gives me time to think. I try to keep busy during the day, the downtime is the worst. Kinda' forces me to think about stuff.

I woke up at half 4 this morning, yesterday I started at 8, and finished at 8. Today I started at 9 and will be finishing in 25 minutes. I woke up cause I couldn't go back to sleep after a dream. Left me feeling horrible. I thought I was past this. I don't think I am. I was suppose to ask them to meet up. I haven't done that. I'm not sure I will. Meeting them will be great, it's everything after that I don't want deal with.

I was on my way home yesterday and thought someone was following me, turned out it was just my shadow. Not sure what's worse, a boy whose scared of the dark or a man whose scared of the light. It's also really warm here, it's strange, it's September, I'm expected it to become really cold.

I seem to be taking a placement student around with me everywhere at the moment. I didn't realise how crappy it is to have someone shadowing you constantly, if I knew it was like this I would have tried to be so much independant when I first started a placement here. Nevermind, it's two years later. Actually 2 years and 1 day. I started my placement at the College on 28/09/2009.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here, I'm only here because of someone else's mistake. Forget about it!

Work feels long, nothing has been too difficult here, I think I've made a good impression on a number of people here, more so then I did when I was on placement. I don't know if it's I'm a bit more confident, but people approach me like I know stuff. I don't know. I'm slightly overwhelmed at the moment. People actually think I'm good at my job. It means a lot to have the respect of my colleagues. Might be one of the most important things for me when working. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a weak link.

I had a think about things. I realised I'll probably never be happy, or rich, or content with things.

The way I see it is, life is tough, and some people just get dealt a better hand in life. In a lot of ways, my situation is amazing in comparison to a lot of other people. It just doesn't feel like it. I've seen miserable people, I'm miserable, but I think I hide it fairly well. I don't think a lot of people I know would assume I don't want to be alive, aside from the one or two people I've told. But there you go. - Random thought, am I lying? I don't seem to be too bad at it tbh. I don't want to be a good liar though. Not exactly a good trait to have. Weird thing is, I'm not sure it really bothers me.

But I think I'm ok with this. There are reasons to stick around, I guess I just have to keep looking for them. Life is what I make of it, sure things aren't great and I can't help feeling like shit cause it seems to be hard-wired into me.

Hardy fucking har!

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