This isn't helping anything. Guess I was naive to think it would. Never mind. I'm not going to carry this on.

Bye.

Life and other things

Had a few rough days, one thing led to the other and I just felt absolutely devastated. The worst thing? I was feeling great until it all happened.

I'm working overtime at the moment, it's quite, really quite, gives me time to think. I try to keep busy during the day, the downtime is the worst. Kinda' forces me to think about stuff.

I woke up at half 4 this morning, yesterday I started at 8, and finished at 8. Today I started at 9 and will be finishing in 25 minutes. I woke up cause I couldn't go back to sleep after a dream. Left me feeling horrible. I thought I was past this. I don't think I am. I was suppose to ask them to meet up. I haven't done that. I'm not sure I will. Meeting them will be great, it's everything after that I don't want deal with.

I was on my way home yesterday and thought someone was following me, turned out it was just my shadow. Not sure what's worse, a boy whose scared of the dark or a man whose scared of the light. It's also really warm here, it's strange, it's September, I'm expected it to become really cold.

I seem to be taking a placement student around with me everywhere at the moment. I didn't realise how crappy it is to have someone shadowing you constantly, if I knew it was like this I would have tried to be so much independant when I first started a placement here. Nevermind, it's two years later. Actually 2 years and 1 day. I started my placement at the College on 28/09/2009.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here, I'm only here because of someone else's mistake. Forget about it!

Work feels long, nothing has been too difficult here, I think I've made a good impression on a number of people here, more so then I did when I was on placement. I don't know if it's I'm a bit more confident, but people approach me like I know stuff. I don't know. I'm slightly overwhelmed at the moment. People actually think I'm good at my job. It means a lot to have the respect of my colleagues. Might be one of the most important things for me when working. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a weak link.

I had a think about things. I realised I'll probably never be happy, or rich, or content with things.

The way I see it is, life is tough, and some people just get dealt a better hand in life. In a lot of ways, my situation is amazing in comparison to a lot of other people. It just doesn't feel like it. I've seen miserable people, I'm miserable, but I think I hide it fairly well. I don't think a lot of people I know would assume I don't want to be alive, aside from the one or two people I've told. But there you go. - Random thought, am I lying? I don't seem to be too bad at it tbh. I don't want to be a good liar though. Not exactly a good trait to have. Weird thing is, I'm not sure it really bothers me.

But I think I'm ok with this. There are reasons to stick around, I guess I just have to keep looking for them. Life is what I make of it, sure things aren't great and I can't help feeling like shit cause it seems to be hard-wired into me.

Hardy fucking har!

Someone changed me. I don't think they know they've done it. I wasn't always like this.

I hate the way you look

I hate the way you talk

I hate the way you look down your nose and shake your head with a stupid smile on your face

I hate that it takes so long for you to get back to me

I hate that I wait around for you to get back to me

I hate the way you walk

I hate that I can make you laugh and that I always try to go out of my way to make you laugh

I hate that you seem to be somewhat different

I hate that your funny

I hate that you just get it.

Worst of all?

I really don't hate you....Not at all.

Lazy. Can't be bothered updating this. Nothing new, working at the moment. Less time to dick around I guess. Still need to find permanent work though. That's about it. Kinda' just lumbering along at the moment, it's fine, it's ok. Seems like a waste though.

I can't seem to forget things, or let of things. Bit of an issue. Things or people that don't matter (maybe things or people I actually want to matter) still bother me. I don't think I'm going to put the effort in with some people.
"Hey oh! Forget about it!"

Still somewhat unhappy though, I don't think anyone really clicks on, I seem to be able to get through everyday without people even assuming I'm miserable. Not sure if it's good or bad. Can be draining though, especially when you kinda' have to keep this stupid grin on your face for the best part of the day. Working in an environment where customer support is important probably isn't the best place for me.

A fair few people here seems to have this fakeness to them. Everyone's happy to smile and be polite to other people to get what they want. Don't get me wrong, not everyone is like this, but a lot of them are, it's become really obvious who these people are. But I guess it's become much more obvious with people I've met over the past year while studying too. I don't want to harp on it, but I remember someone telling me "do you think we'll ever see them again after uni? maybe they were just friendly with us cause it was convenient." I kinda' just said "I dunno', I hope not." It was wishful thinking on my part. Pretty fucking gutted. I'm not sure, sometimes I really think they really didn't give a shit. Other times I think their just oblivious to the whole thing. It doesn't matter. It changes nothing. I went out of my way for a one person. I don't even know why, I knew I wouldn't get anything in return, there was no payout. I was positive they wouldn't really care if I put the effort in or not. I'm not complaining, not at all. I just..I don't know. I really don't.

There are people who are genuine, I like these people. They don't seem to want anything from you, and even if they give you something they don't really want anything in return.

Anyways, I'm working at the College I did my placement at, I'm actually getting paid this time though. Pretty chuffed about that. Strange thing happened, on my way home, go to the train station, there's a bloke asking for money. Told him I had nothing. He called me a dick. I didn't bother saying anything back. The thing is, I remember this guy from when I was on placement, this was over a year ago. He asked for some money. I gave him enough to buy a sandwich and a drink. He clearly didn't remember. I don't even know why I remember.

Seriously, fuck that guy. I'm the dick? No, I'm positive I'm not the dick. I was hardly earning anything while I was on placement I should have just said no, I don't have anything. Ungrateful cunt.

I think I'm ok. I haven't really been able to say that for a while. Wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm certainly not miserable.

I figured some stuff out today and yesterday. I'm actually working at the College I worked at a year ago. I don't think I'll be there longer than a month, not my choice. But it really isn't a bad place to work, gives me a bit of time just to make a little money and hopefully find something a bit more permanent for a while.

I think someones been dropping hints throughout the best part of the year. Sadly I'm a bit of a moron and I never really picked them. Nevermind, took long enough, but I think I've figured it out. I'm not really too bothered about it. I think I really would have been gutted a bit ago. But I'm pretty sure I'm not a bad person. I'll say it was their loss and I'll leave it at that. (Might not be their loss at all, but fuck, it's absolutely fine).

I think I'm going to go sleep early, wake up and be somewhat productive. Well that's the plan, hopefully I'll stick it through.

I haven't posted here in a while. But I'm not sure I need to anymore. I think it's served it's purpose. I guess I'll see how things go. Hoping well.

I don't think the interviews went too badly. I'm still pretty pessimistic, never thought I'd be accustomed to being rejected. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'll find out sometime next week. Part of me really doesn't care.

I don't have anything else to put here. Goodbye.

That feeling, that fucking feeling.


Anyways, I have a couple of interviews over the next two days. One on Thursday, the other on Friday. I don't think I'll get any of them. Not being negative, just honest. I'm pretty down about the whole thing. The one tomorrow I'm expecting them to think I'm far more experienced than I actually am. The one on Friday I think they want me to be more technical than I actually am. It's miserable. I don't know what to do if I'm being honest.

Could possibly end up with a third interview next week.

The recruiter said to me as long as I know I tried my best and I couldn't do any more I shouldn't be disappointed if I didn't get the job. That it simply wasn't right for me. I guess that's and ideal way to look at things, but the truth is, there was something wrong with me and that's why I didn't get the job. It just sounds like a way to pass blame.

I came to this weird conclusion the other day. I just don't care. I really don't give a shit about anything. My dad was asking me why I wasn't more assertive about hassling him for a car. I've had my licence for around 3 years. But I just don't care. When we go out has a family, I don't care. I don't want to go anywhere. When I go out with friends, I really don't care. I try to keep up appearances to avoid being such a recluse. I'm not sure I really care about people. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. These are things I should care about, but I can't force myself to care. Honestly, I don't care about finding work, but I do because I know I have to. It's just what people do.

Tomorrow I'll have to wake up, put on a face and just fucking go with it. I know I'm miserable, but no one else needs to know.

I remember someone said if you had the choice to go back 5 years with the knowledge you have now what would you change?

Thinking about it, I wouldn't go want to go back. I don't think I could change anything. I think it would just mean another 5 years I would be like this. I don't think it would change anything.

Maybe I'll feel different 5 years in the future. It's strange cause I'm positive one thing could change everything. But it won't happen. There's no point pushing it. I know the result. But it's more of a "what next" scenario. I get what I want, what then? Maybe I don't change at all? Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Or maybe the grass was well and truly greener on the other side.

I think everyone is different around people. I guess you never really know anyone. I remember someone I knew telling me they were on anti-depressants. I always thought this person had it together. Truth was it wasn't the case at all. I felt bad, how could someone I saw as secure (together? intelligent? I know what I mean I just can't find the words. I guess together, I mean just complete as a person.),they knew where they were going, seemed happy a lot of time. Wasn't the case at all. After I found out, it seemed to be pretty obvious when they weren't happy though, makes me wonder how oblivious I really was. This person isn't a bad person either. I guess I just had this stupid idea that bad things shouldn't happen to decent people. But that's just naive.

Maybe people are calling out for help all time, I'm just blind. It just took me by surprise. I'll never know why they told me, I don't know if I should ask why. Maybe they told a few people, I really doubt that they thought I was the only person they could tell. I guess it's irrelevant. I guess it just felt like it didn't make sense. I would have never thought they could be in that situation, quite possibly the last person I would have thought would be. Maybe I have things together better than I think. It just doesn't feel like it.

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment. I'm going to go sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.