That feeling, that fucking feeling.


Anyways, I have a couple of interviews over the next two days. One on Thursday, the other on Friday. I don't think I'll get any of them. Not being negative, just honest. I'm pretty down about the whole thing. The one tomorrow I'm expecting them to think I'm far more experienced than I actually am. The one on Friday I think they want me to be more technical than I actually am. It's miserable. I don't know what to do if I'm being honest.

Could possibly end up with a third interview next week.

The recruiter said to me as long as I know I tried my best and I couldn't do any more I shouldn't be disappointed if I didn't get the job. That it simply wasn't right for me. I guess that's and ideal way to look at things, but the truth is, there was something wrong with me and that's why I didn't get the job. It just sounds like a way to pass blame.

I came to this weird conclusion the other day. I just don't care. I really don't give a shit about anything. My dad was asking me why I wasn't more assertive about hassling him for a car. I've had my licence for around 3 years. But I just don't care. When we go out has a family, I don't care. I don't want to go anywhere. When I go out with friends, I really don't care. I try to keep up appearances to avoid being such a recluse. I'm not sure I really care about people. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. These are things I should care about, but I can't force myself to care. Honestly, I don't care about finding work, but I do because I know I have to. It's just what people do.

Tomorrow I'll have to wake up, put on a face and just fucking go with it. I know I'm miserable, but no one else needs to know.

I remember someone said if you had the choice to go back 5 years with the knowledge you have now what would you change?

Thinking about it, I wouldn't go want to go back. I don't think I could change anything. I think it would just mean another 5 years I would be like this. I don't think it would change anything.

Maybe I'll feel different 5 years in the future. It's strange cause I'm positive one thing could change everything. But it won't happen. There's no point pushing it. I know the result. But it's more of a "what next" scenario. I get what I want, what then? Maybe I don't change at all? Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Or maybe the grass was well and truly greener on the other side.

I think everyone is different around people. I guess you never really know anyone. I remember someone I knew telling me they were on anti-depressants. I always thought this person had it together. Truth was it wasn't the case at all. I felt bad, how could someone I saw as secure (together? intelligent? I know what I mean I just can't find the words. I guess together, I mean just complete as a person.),they knew where they were going, seemed happy a lot of time. Wasn't the case at all. After I found out, it seemed to be pretty obvious when they weren't happy though, makes me wonder how oblivious I really was. This person isn't a bad person either. I guess I just had this stupid idea that bad things shouldn't happen to decent people. But that's just naive.

Maybe people are calling out for help all time, I'm just blind. It just took me by surprise. I'll never know why they told me, I don't know if I should ask why. Maybe they told a few people, I really doubt that they thought I was the only person they could tell. I guess it's irrelevant. I guess it just felt like it didn't make sense. I would have never thought they could be in that situation, quite possibly the last person I would have thought would be. Maybe I have things together better than I think. It just doesn't feel like it.

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment. I'm going to go sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.