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Sunday, 24 July 2011

Blah blah blah yada yada

Strange few days, haven't felt like crap at all. For some strange reason, quite the opposite. I don't even have anything in particular to be happy about. I haven't felt shitty though. That's a good thing I guess. Starting to wonder if I'm bi-polar? Dunno, should probably get a professional opinion though.

I started playing Breath of Fire again recently, I got further than that the first time I tried playing the game. I have an Onion on my team, I'm tempted to get rid of Garr in favour for the Onion, he seems to level up fast and gets stupid amounts of HP, I think he'd make a good tank. I've been using Nina has my second team member, googling around suggests I should probably pick Momo, but she can't shoot for shit and misses every single time. I've just got to Angel Tower, interested to see how it all plays out.

I've also been playing Mount and Blade Warband, it's far better than I thought it would be, I haven't got around to downloading mods for it yet either. I made a character called Sabo the Worthless, I can rename him later and will probably change it to Worthy and when I get a castle or become a King I'll change it to Sabo Cashmoney.

I started off as a nobody, made myself a small army, became a mercenary for a while but I've aligned myself with Sarranid Sultante. I think it's called a vassal? I should look it up, but not now. I wish I didn't, the King, Sultan Hakim is a greedy bastard, I've sieged three castles successfully for him and he claimed them all for himself. My reward was a village (Sarrindar? - I can't even remember the name, I'm a terrible lord) but it's in the middle of the Kingdom of Rhodoks so it's constantly raided.  I guess Hakim being a jerk will make it easier when I inevitably decide to overthrow him as King.  Also tried to court Lady Safiya. Was hilarious, she sent some old woman to give me a letter so we could meet. Turn's out Emir Bilya is also trying court her. Scandalous wench!

I decided to talk with her brother, Emir Lakhim, ya know, get his permission or something, if I marry into their family it gives me a good opportunity to get some more land (well it's not there's any real life benefit to marrying in woman in a game). He told me something along the lines of "Listen here lad, she's currently being courted by Emir Bilya, and let's face it, in comparison to him, your no spring chicken". Felt bad, it's like art imitating life.

The Kingdom of the Rhodoks, hate me, their out to kill me, I tend to constantly takeout their armies whenever I see them out on the field though so it's expected.

Anyways, I'm gonna try gain some more renown, get some people behind me and take the throne. Everyone whose a lord within Sarranid Sultante is a jerk, no bro's there thats for sure. If I get the chance, I'll join the Nords or something.

Anywho! Still job hunting, I can't really apply for fulltime work on the weekend cause no one puts up new vacancies on the weekend. Sucks.

In a bit.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Life as Narrative?

I graduated yesterday, still would have rather slept in than woke up to go there. Was an interesting day though, met Imran Khan, he looked pretty bored though, gave quite the speech, he should consider motivational speaking if he doesn't already do it.

I met someone I worked with/worked for yesterday while I was at Uni. Was probably the highlight of the day, she seems (I say seems cause it isn't like I know her outside working with her) like a genuinely nice person. Not too many people like that.

Anyways, having spare time I get a lot of time to read among other things. I did miss reading things other than university related crap. I read some stuff related to life, came across life as narrative.

I guess if my life is a narrative, am I the hero the in this my story? Maybe I'm the villain in someone else's story? More than likely I'm an extra who doesn't really contribute anything to this story. I guess I could be the troubled protagonist (but surely, wouldn't everyone play this role?). I don't know, over thinking things I guess. Gotta' keep myself occupied somehow.

Job hunting is......happening, just keep applying, somewhat stressful though. I'm doing what I can. Gotta' keep applying, surely something will come up. Mind some people define insanity as doing the same thing and expecting a different result. By that logic I should stop looking for work. That isn't even an option.

I'm enjoying sleep much more than usual, I think it's because when I'm sleeping I don't have to think about anything or anyone. When I wake up, I want to carry on sleeping, even when I'm not tired. Sadly my dreams are really mundane, I mean why would I dream about things I do on a regular basis like running errands or having a shower? Tempted to start trying to lucid dream again, I've had success with it before. I think I stopped trying because I'd have amazing dreams and then I'd wake up and life in comparison to my dreams just weren't the same. How could it be? I was dreaming and I could do anything I wanted, when I was awake I was just me. I'm not sure if lucid dreaming was worth the come down if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I think I'm done talking crap. I don't have anything else to say.

Friday, 15 July 2011

Just the same old stuff as before.

Crappy few days. Well day and a half I guess. Wednesday was ok, I was fairly cheery for most of the day, I even went to the cinema with my sister to watch Transformers (not a bad film, but I really don't care for the human characters, in a weird way I wanted the Decepticons to win,

SPOILERS HERE************************************************************************
would like to see Galvatron if they decide to make another one <---- Highlight that shit if you want to see what I want in the next movie
I also gladly paid for everything too, made some terrible jokes and my sister seemed happy. She asked me why I always seem to be in a mood, I didn't want to tell her. Around 6ish I felt crap again, I should stop thinking, it's only when I start thinking I feel shitty.

Got my module results officially yesterday. Spoke to some people, certain people make me feel crappy when I talk to them to various reasons. It's not because of anything they've done to me specifically, it's just stuff. Fuck I don't really even want to say it. I won't say who or why, but I'll read this back and hopefully I'll have no idea who I'm talking about. I decided I'd try to avoid talking to them, but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

The job market doesn't seem amazing, or if it is I'm doing one bad job applying to jobs. Somewhat frustrating to apply to jobs and not even receive a rejection letter as strange as it sounds. Just sitting there with my stupid face and applying to vacancies. Might have to step it up and start sending out speculative emails to businesses. It can't hurt. Worse case I guess they laugh and tell me to piss off.

I think I need to get out of the house or something, seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. That or menopause I guess. The latter would be worrying considering I'm not a woman. Not sure what I can do about it. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, don't see why anyone would give a shit.

I've started playing video games and enjoying them again. It was weird, 4 months ago I was at Uni from 11 till 6, did some more work till around 8, and then played games till around 2 in the morning, sometimes later. The Witcher and Fallout 3. I mean fuck I stayed up till 6 playing The Witcher. More recently I couldn't play anything for more than an hour.

Ended up playing FF8 again the other day, think I've played around 8 hours? and just finished the first disc. Spent alot of time playing cards and battles that mostly consisted for draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw, draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw, and then attack.

Was somewhat appealing down bosses in a few shots, but fuck, I can't face the grind, if I recall the game gets a fair bit shitter after the first disc.

Started Breath of Fire 3 again, I remember playing it back in school but never really got into it cause I kept getting killed. I think it was against those two horses fuse after Garr joins your party? Not sure, Nina just joined my party and we got out of the castle. I'm looking forward to playing again to be honest.

Bit random, but I came across a dude who does longplays of games on youtube who decided to put a 'freeze' on his uploads cause he wasn't getting enough views, strangely he was bitching at his subscribers in a video about how they weren't watching his viewers and how his hobby is such a time sink. I don't understand it, if it's a hobby, you do it for yourself, right? if you don't enjoy it, why bother? He came across pretty childish, didn't make any sense to me.

But yeah, whatever, just something I came across, people can be so strange. Really don't understand people or the things they do. Sometimes I wish I would, but I don't think it would help much, just confuse me more I guess.

This was long, for some reason I still want to keep typing, I'm not even sure what I can write about. I think I'll leave it that for now.


Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Strange sense of something or the other

Felt somewhat crappy this morning, probably was still reeling from Sunday's rejection. Fine, sure, whatever.

I schleped myself up to Uni today to pick up my project, didn't bother telling anyone I'd be there, I don't think I wanted any company this morning. Was a bit of a waste anyway, got there, didn't even receive my grade or feedback for the project. Just a bound report I gave them. Seemed somewhat redundant, it isn't like I'm proud of this piece of shit report I spent the bulk of the year. I mean what am I supposed do with it? Maybe I'll showcase it to people when they come visit?

I don't know why I'm complaining about this. I complained about having to pay to get it printed and bound. Now I get a copy back, I don't want it. Needlessly indecisive.

Anyways, somewhat annoyed I talked with a tutor and asked why I didn't get feedback, so she let me view my module results, good stuff I guess, meant I didn't have to wait another few days. My results were good. Better than I should have got if we're going off what I got in my second year. I don't think I've ever worked this much before. It's not like it matters, still don't really give a shit. I should be happy and chuffed my hard work paid off. I just don't really care. Not sure why I'm so apathetic about it.

About the job stuff, I figured I should stop caring, I didn't get a job, there's nothing else I can do about that. I just have to carry on. Feeling shitty and whining about it won't change anything.

I guess that's the end of this thing. This stuff. This I don't even know.


Monday, 11 July 2011


Eh it wasn't what I was hoping for. Strange, I tried to be as pessimistic as possible so if it was bad news it was exactly what I expected it would be. Still felt shit as when I got the email though.

But I guess there's nothing else to do other than just carry on.

It's just frustrating to invest so much time and effort and feels like it was for nothing, 3 phone interviews, one face to face interview, a presentation and a group task. Not to mention spending the large bulk of 2 days travelling. Sadly I can't blame anyone else but myself, I simply wasn't good enough.

Shit. That was terrible to type and read back to myself.

Not sure if I'll have another opportunity that good for a while, I don't really want to be cheered up right now. I'm fairly content being in a shitty mood. 


Friday, 8 July 2011


Nervous as at the moment. Turns out they aren't entirely sure if they want to hire me, so I ended up having to have another phone interview just a bit ago. The reason being they thought I had strong deployable skills, but the person in charge of the position didn't get to interview me, so we had a phone interview. I hope it went well, I mean I seriously hope it went well. I'm not sure how it went. I'm trying not to be too optimistic, there's nothing worse when you're expecting good news and it turns out that it isn't good all.

Hopefully I'll find out within the hour, or by Monday morning (preferably within the hour cause I'll be all anxious over the weekend). I can't bare waiting.

Here's hoping to some good news.


EDIT: Gonna' have to wait till Monday, it's only tomorrow, the day will go by fast enough. Not looking forward to the waiting though. Just kinda' sat here with a stupid face on.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

The long road home!

Had my assessment centre yesterday. Seriously hoping for good news, I don't have a whole lot going on for me at the moment. I really hope this works out, I think left a good impression on them. But I'm sure everyone else did. The other people did too. There were 7 of us, most of them seemed decent. I went for a drink with a couple of them after, I should find out today or tomorrow. I'm not expecting good news. Not that I did bad, just maybe the others were more competent. I wouldn't know though, I wasn't there for their interviews or presentations. I can only do what I did and hope it was good enough.

I'm in London on a coach at the moment, looking forward to coming back home. In a strange way I enjoyed the travel, it was weird.

I don't like Southall. I won't explain. I can't be bothered.

I think I'm done with feeling crap (ha like I can't turn it on or off on demand). I'll whine about it sometime soon. Typing on a phone isn't really easy.

I think that's it for now, next time I update it'll hopefully be good news.


Monday, 4 July 2011

Things and other stuff

Hoi hoi.

Spent the best part of yesterday and today trying to prepare for my interview. I managed to start and be somewhat productive!

HP's Corporate objectives are:
Customer Loyalty - providing high quality technology, services and solutions to earn customer loyalty
Profit - profit helps support meeting all objectives, expand into new business opportunities
Growth - viewing change in the market place as opportunity
Market Leadership - expanding into new areas that help build technologies
Leadership Capabilities - developing leaders at every level who account for achieving business results
Employee Commitment - helping employee's share in the success created by the company
Global Citizenship - being an economical, social and technological asset to each country and community

Not bad I guess, that's them in a nutshell. took me a minute to recall them all but I managed it, I hope they don't expect me to remember all the beliefs that support it too. I've still got time though and a 5 hour journey to learn them.

Slightly worried about the presentation, not sure if I'll be able to fill up 10 minutes worth of spiel, I'll have to start timing myself and learning my 'script' tomorrow. Hopefully it'll reach around 7 minutes at least.

Aside from that, I haven't felt too over the past few days. Which is good I guess.

I've been thinking lately, I mean this question comes up a lot. "What would you do differently?" And that's in regards to life in general. I've thought that if I could go back 10 years and know what I know now I could dictate how my life turns out. I feel like I know a lot, but I don't really know anything at all. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway, if I could change things, I wonder how different life would be? I mean I really don't like the University I ended up at, I think I might have been better off moving away, who knows, I might have enjoyed it that way. It's important to note the people at the University I've met are great. (staff and peers alike). There's a lot of people I'm happy to stay in contact with, I probably wouldn't know these people if I hadn't made the choices I've made up until now. (I wonder if these people would feel the same way about me? Might be better off not knowing).

There's still more stuff I want to talk about, it's strange, I'm positive no one will read this but me. But I just don't feel like I can type it out. It might just be trivial, but it's important to me.

I lied before when I said I didn't know what was bothering me. It's been bothering me for ages (even back when I was studying). I just can't talk about it, it's important to say that it's nothing major. I just can't talk about it (not like I've been sworn to secrecy I just physically can't). It's hard to describe and it probably doesn't make sense. Maybe sometime I'll be able to talk about it, I haven't told anyone about it. But when people to ask me what's wrong, I feel fucking terrible.

Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe it won't be an issue in the future. Here's hoping to that eh?


Friday, 1 July 2011

Same old

Hoi hoi.

Spent most of Thursday feeling all crappy. Not quite sure why, went to town, sorted some crap out. My sister was adamant about coming with me, not really sure why she wanted to come along. She noticed I was in a mood, was weird she asked me what was wrong, I couldn't tell her simply cause I didn't know. We got pizza though, was quite good, can't say it improved my mood or anything though.

Today I found out I have a degree, a 2:1 nonetheless. Really put in the work both semesters and I guess it paid off. Strangely enough, that didn't improve my mood either. I just sat there staring at this .pdf document, not giving a shit about what it meant. I should have pleased at the very least, it was a years worth of work, I was almost convinced I would get a 2:2. I guess it just wasn't that important to me. People seem real pleased with their results, the kinda' pleased where you want to tell everyone, good for them! (I'm not being sarcastic, that's sincere)

Need to sort out graduation stuff now, it seems to mean a lot to my parents. It really doesn't mean anything to me. Seems like a giant waste of time and money. I think I'll go though, my parents really want me to go, I owe them that much (I actually owe them a lot more).

I have a job interview next Wednesday, been preparing for that. It means a lot. I think I want this, maybe need it. I've thought about it long and hard, I'm convinced I want to move away from the next, spread my wings (pointless metaphor). It's not often I know I have do something and think I can make a good go of this. I feel like I could with this interview.

I don't know if anyone's reading this, but I guess this isn't for you. More for myself. But if you are, I don't intend for this to sound grim or anything. It's a sort of outlet, I'm hoping to look back on this in a year or so and have a different outlook on things.

I should change the title of this blog. I'm not even a student any more.