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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

That feeling, that fucking feeling.

Anyways, I have a couple of interviews over the next two days. One on Thursday, the other on Friday. I don't think I'll get any of them. Not being negative, just honest. I'm pretty down about the whole thing. The one tomorrow I'm expecting them to think I'm far more experienced than I actually am. The one on Friday I think they want me to be more technical than I actually am. It's miserable. I don't know what to do if I'm being honest.

Could possibly end up with a third interview next week.

The recruiter said to me as long as I know I tried my best and I couldn't do any more I shouldn't be disappointed if I didn't get the job. That it simply wasn't right for me. I guess that's and ideal way to look at things, but the truth is, there was something wrong with me and that's why I didn't get the job. It just sounds like a way to pass blame.

I came to this weird conclusion the other day. I just don't care. I really don't give a shit about anything. My dad was asking me why I wasn't more assertive about hassling him for a car. I've had my licence for around 3 years. But I just don't care. When we go out has a family, I don't care. I don't want to go anywhere. When I go out with friends, I really don't care. I try to keep up appearances to avoid being such a recluse. I'm not sure I really care about people. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. These are things I should care about, but I can't force myself to care. Honestly, I don't care about finding work, but I do because I know I have to. It's just what people do.

Tomorrow I'll have to wake up, put on a face and just fucking go with it. I know I'm miserable, but no one else needs to know.

I remember someone said if you had the choice to go back 5 years with the knowledge you have now what would you change?

Thinking about it, I wouldn't go want to go back. I don't think I could change anything. I think it would just mean another 5 years I would be like this. I don't think it would change anything.

Maybe I'll feel different 5 years in the future. It's strange cause I'm positive one thing could change everything. But it won't happen. There's no point pushing it. I know the result. But it's more of a "what next" scenario. I get what I want, what then? Maybe I don't change at all? Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Or maybe the grass was well and truly greener on the other side.

I think everyone is different around people. I guess you never really know anyone. I remember someone I knew telling me they were on anti-depressants. I always thought this person had it together. Truth was it wasn't the case at all. I felt bad, how could someone I saw as secure (together? intelligent? I know what I mean I just can't find the words. I guess together, I mean just complete as a person.),they knew where they were going, seemed happy a lot of time. Wasn't the case at all. After I found out, it seemed to be pretty obvious when they weren't happy though, makes me wonder how oblivious I really was. This person isn't a bad person either. I guess I just had this stupid idea that bad things shouldn't happen to decent people. But that's just naive.

Maybe people are calling out for help all time, I'm just blind. It just took me by surprise. I'll never know why they told me, I don't know if I should ask why. Maybe they told a few people, I really doubt that they thought I was the only person they could tell. I guess it's irrelevant. I guess it just felt like it didn't make sense. I would have never thought they could be in that situation, quite possibly the last person I would have thought would be. Maybe I have things together better than I think. It just doesn't feel like it.

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment. I'm going to go sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.

Friday, 26 August 2011

Something important and groundbreaking here

Saw this facebook group today: Respect to All mums out there. 'Heaven lies at the feet of your mother'

Thought it was fucking ridiculous, I love my mum, but I certainly don't agree with a lot of what she says. What ever though, I might be completely wrong. 1262 people couldn't be wrong....right?

So, I have a phone interview tomorrow, I'm fairly prepared for it, it's supposed to be extremely short. I'm looking forward to it in a weird way. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out. I have to ring him, which is certainly different. But we shall see how it goes.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. It isn't because of the interview. I felt like this before too. It's a horrible feeling, mainly because I can't help it. I guess it's strange how someone can dictate how you feel without really knowing what their doing. I don't want to be alive, but I'm not suicidal. I just don't see the point. Well there's a few reasons, for some reason people seem to like me, I think they'd be upset if I suddenly wasn't here. I don't want to cause anyone else any grief.

Strange, I think one thing could change my entire outlook on everything. But I think it's asking too much. I guess I'll never know until I follow through. I don't see much point in doing so. Is there any point of asking a question you know the answer to? I guess not.

I think I'll be happy when it's all said and done. Instead I have to go through this fucking humdrum, this thing, this life. fucks sake.  It shouldn't be this taxing.

I can't help feeling like this, it's just how I am. I do wonder if people had treated me different while I was younger would I be a completely different person. I guess it's easier to blame other people on our own problems or insecurities, it's essentially mitigating blame and it means we don't have to look at ourselves and look at our faults. I don't blame anyone. I am who I am and I always have the choice of changing myself.

I don't really like a lot of people, the people I do like I try to keep in contact with. There's a lot of people I don't like. I think I'm just bitter, it's strange that I can dislike people for next to no reason. I like to think I'm not ignorant, but I guess I really am. How can I dislike a person based on a statement, the way the look or act. Seems insane, but that's what I seem to be doing.

I'm so negative, all I really want is just to be happy. Seems like it's a lot harder than it should be.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Still here

I don't have much to say at the moment. I got a call from a recruiter at a strange time, I need to wake up earlier so I don't sound like death when I get phone calls at 11 in the morning -__-

Same old same old


Friday, 19 August 2011


I woke up this morning, looked at the time and thought "fuck this is gonna' be a long day"

It was long. It just wouldn't end. Well it's 11pm now and I'm not tired after wanting to just sleep for the entire day. I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment to avoid going to sleep. It's working at the moment.

Remember that person I said I was trying to avoid? (I'm pretty sure I put it here) keeps talking to me every so often. It's not that I don't enjoy talking to them, it's quite the opposite, and that's the problem. I think it'll stop in a week or so.

I've been slightly worried (well trying to get worried) about my lack of caring about anything lately. I mean I do care about people, I think. Right now I'm apathetic about everything. People, life, the future. I just don't care, living should be motivation enough, but it just really isn't. I don't know.

Dad's in hospital for a procedure, he's anemic, the doctor wanted to see if there was any internal blood leakage. I should be really worried. But I'm not bothered at all. I don't know why. I know I should care, but it's just happening, and I'm just here. Nothing. I guess I'm not all here? I don't know. I'm so confused right now.

There just doesn't seem like there's a reason, a point for being here. I'm so lost at the moment and I'm pretty sure no one will understand or care without looking at me and thinking what the fuck is wrong with him.


Wednesday, 17 August 2011


I dont want to be here or anywhere at the moment. I'm feeling real crappy right now. Bad day, I don't even want to harp on it. What would be the point, it's happened now. I don't think it was my fault, no I know it wasn't my fault. I didn't even do anything to provoke it. Problem is, I felt like it was my fault. Fuck it.

I think I'm far to insecure, I think everyone has insecurities, I don't think I could talk to anyone about them though. I think the worst one is that I feel like no one likes me and they just kinda' put up with me cause it's the nice thing to do. I don't have any reason to think like that, no ones directly told me. Just something that's bothered me for years. I guess, I don't like myself, so why should anyone else?

Anyways. Nothing is no different from the day before so I really don't have anything to put here. I think I'm just going to sleep. Fucking waster.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Something meaningful here.

I was thinking, is life a predetermined path? Or is it just a bunch of random choices? I mean if I decided I was going to do nothing for the rest of my life, was that my choice? Cause if it's a predetermined path then it really wasn't. A predetermined path would mean that we don't have any freedom over the choices we make, if it's going to happen, then it's going to happen. There was no way to avoid it, if I was going to get hit by a car tomorrow then that's it.

If life is a predetermined path then surely there's a greater power dictating it. I wonder, it's seems like a shitload of work to create a story(a path? a road map?) for every single person in the world. Life being a predetermined path seems unfair, no matter what I'll do I will be whatever was predetermined for me. In someway, it would be comforting, I could fob off anything that happened me and decide it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But if life isn't predetermined I'd have to look at myself, and say "Shit. Was that my fault? Should I have said that? Maybe if I did this, maybe if I did that".

I think this is why people believe in God or a higher power, I don't think it's a massive commitment either (Just to clarify I don't pray weekly or anything like that), even if you're unsure about God existing all you really have to do is commit a few hours a week for someone who might or might not be there. And fuck if you're wrong, it won't make a difference once your dead cause if you were wrong, you aren't gonna' know you were wrong. But if you were right, God's up there in heaven happily sitting on a cloud with a list of people who dedicated their time to him in life. I guess you'd be set for the rest of your afterlife.

I don't know if I believe in God, but if there is a higher power, I don't think God really cares about everyone, or maybe God does care, but God doesn't have the power dictate how people act. Maybe the galaxy is just God's 'ant farm' and God is just watching how we've all evolved over the years, how we've colonized Earth.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, it doesn't matter I guess, sounds like stoner talk. Fuck if I know.

I want to sleep. But I'm not tired. I don't want to sleep too late because I'll wake up late. Might just set my alarm for 9 and sleep early tomorrow night. I don't know. It doesn't really matter anyways.  Just rambling at the moment.

I want to go away for a awhile. Just disappear for a few weeks or something. Not even take my phone. Just forget everything. I'm not sure where, I know I want to though.

I had this weird dream a few days ago. I can't remember much of it, but one part kinda' just stuck with. Was a shitload of dead animals in nets, everything was black and all I could see were these nets. I don't even know how I thought that up. Woke up feeling weird though. I don't know what it meant. I remember whining a little about how mundane my dreams were, looking back I'd rather of had a mundane dream than seeing that. I think I might start trying to document my dreams, or my weirder ones anyways. Could start finding something interesting. Can't be worse than waking up and looking for work.

Nunwood didn't get back to me on Friday, so I'm expecting an email on Monday containing a shitload of rejection. Oh well. Maybe they had more people to see on Monday? If it was that bad they'd of got back to me on Friday I guess.

I'm done anyways.


Saturday, 13 August 2011

I can't think of anything to put here so I'll just type bollocks.

I had the test, fuck it was difficult. My initial concern was right. They didn't get back to me on Friday so I'm waiting for an email on Monday saying "sorry, but better luck elsewhere". Not a big deal I guess, I would just have to deal with it and do what I always do, keep on truckin'.

The other day my neighbour's son told me he was doing a powerpoint for school about his friends. He decided to put me on there. He's only 6. Their family friends we've known them for as long as we've lived here. I think around 15 years. Adorable little git. It was nice, nice to know that he was genuine, I don't think he knows what it meant to me. Was good to know that someone likes me. He always runs up to me and gives me a hug, used to be all manly and shake my hand. Ha, not quite sure why he likes me so much. He's kinda' like my little brother I guess.

Had a terrible morning, I woke up, I  didn't want to get up, but I did, walked around the house, no one was home. Decided I wanted to go back to sleep. It's all I wanted to do all day. Not sure what was wrong. A lot of the time all I want to do is sleep. Such a waster.


Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Yada yada yada

The Wire is on TV, it's the scene where Omar is in court and he just wraps a tie around his neck. Such a superb series and character, gutted it's over now.

Anyways, second stage for the job interview tomorrow, slightly concerned about the test. Mainly cause I really have no idea what it will consist of. I'll try and be optimistic, but I'll be ready incase I look at the test and have no idea what to do. I seriously hope that isn't the case. But if that's the case, I think I'll need to prepared for rejection.

This week has gone too fast, it'll be Thursday tomorrow, I think it's been over the month since I finished Uni, essentially a month of being idle. Somewhat disappointing, at a bit of a loss here. fuck shit crap bollocks.

Usual crap going on at the moment. Not sure what to now. I want to talk to someone, no idea what to say though. *shrug* I probably won't bother. I don't want to deal with feeling crappy after, I overthink things. I wish I didn't. But I do, not really a good thing.

I'm done.


Monday, 8 August 2011

A whole lot of nothing

I had my interview, went well. I was invited for a second interview, from what I know, it consists of a test....and that's it. It's supposed to be a test I can't prepare for. The only thing that comes to mind are aptitude tests. And possibly a drug test. *shrug*. I dunno.

I went to London, it was ok, seems to be a whole lot of rioting going on there at the moment. Sounds like a terrible situation for any one living there. I don't know what to say. Must be horrible to have your home or lively hood destroyed. Not sure how people could go around destroying everything. Mob mentality I guess.

I want to say something, not that it matters or will change anything. But I won't say it. Worst that could happen is someone says no. No can be a horrible word I guess - rejection? Not sure. I don't really want to hear no. But I don't want to force it either. Strange what people do for other people, knowing nothing will come out of it. Stupid? Maybe just hopeful.

Browsing facebook, alot of guys seems to have this idea that girls don't like nice girls, guys putting up meaningful bollocks about love and how a girl doesn't care about them back (seriously? No one cares, do what a normal person does and bottle it up, or get a blog - >____>"). Nobody likes a whiny person, I think there's a fine line between being sensitive and borderline crying all the time. But I guess that's them.

Why the fuck would you want to be with someone like that? It goes both ways. Maybe I should tell them to man the fuck up. It doesn't make a difference to me. I can understand where their coming from, but their just hurting themselves. If she doesn't like him, maybe he should stop giving a fuck and hoping that'll she'll come to him and be all 'I LOVE YOU!'

I blame movies, stories, tv, it's a stupid idea that everything just works out. Life isn't like that, and you're naive if you think that's the case. Stories and made to sell, no one wants to hear about the nice guy who didn't get with the hot woman, right?

People are shallow, good luck trying to start off a relationship where you aren't physically attracted to the person, people won't admit it though, being shallow is deemed has a poor quality. No one wants to be called shallow. But that's just how it is, I don't think it's a poor quality, it's a real quality.

I'm shallow, I was pining for someone (was - implying I'm still not, I manage though, not has bad has it was). I thought about it once, if it was the other way round, she didn't look like she did, and I looked better. Would I even take notice? Probably not, was a sad truth. I guess I didn't want to be shallow. But I am, I can't help it. Saying everyone is shallow might just be my way of dealing with it. But I really don't think I'm wrong here.

Whatever I guess.


Thursday, 4 August 2011

Is that an oxymoron? I don't even know

How could be the best day of the week also be the worst day of the week? Fuck it, it isn't worth harping on.

I had a job interview today, was pretty different, was with 3 people - one person in the room, one over the phone, and one via video link. I don't think it went too bad. The second stage is a test, I'm slightly worried about it, mainly cause I think they might think I'm more technical than I actually am. I hope I can live up to expectations. I'm not even sure what'll it will consist of. The job requires SQL but the job spec said it was desirable. I guess I shouldn't over think it.

London this weekend, I wish I was in better spirits for it. Fuck I really don't think I want to go, last week I was really looking forward to it.

I don't know what to write here at the moment. I really want pizza. I'm gonna find something drink. Sadly, there seems to be neither in the house. I might just go out tomorrow and try and grab something. It's only me at home during the day anyways.

I'm not really lonely, I seem to be quite happy being a recluse at the moment. I just need something to occupy myself. Bored with video games again, I played a bit more of Breath of Fire 3 and it's just done a time jump so Ryu is now an adult. Also got bought minecraft, got buyers remorse 10 minutes after. I think I just need to find a good server with decent people I guess.

I want to go on holiday for a few weeks. Just go and not think about anything. Sleep all day, somewhere with nice weather. Guess it isn't really an option at the moment.