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Sunday, 2 October 2011

This isn't helping anything. Guess I was naive to think it would. Never mind. I'm not going to carry this on.


Thursday, 29 September 2011

Life and other things

Had a few rough days, one thing led to the other and I just felt absolutely devastated. The worst thing? I was feeling great until it all happened.

I'm working overtime at the moment, it's quite, really quite, gives me time to think. I try to keep busy during the day, the downtime is the worst. Kinda' forces me to think about stuff.

I woke up at half 4 this morning, yesterday I started at 8, and finished at 8. Today I started at 9 and will be finishing in 25 minutes. I woke up cause I couldn't go back to sleep after a dream. Left me feeling horrible. I thought I was past this. I don't think I am. I was suppose to ask them to meet up. I haven't done that. I'm not sure I will. Meeting them will be great, it's everything after that I don't want deal with.

I was on my way home yesterday and thought someone was following me, turned out it was just my shadow. Not sure what's worse, a boy whose scared of the dark or a man whose scared of the light. It's also really warm here, it's strange, it's September, I'm expected it to become really cold.

I seem to be taking a placement student around with me everywhere at the moment. I didn't realise how crappy it is to have someone shadowing you constantly, if I knew it was like this I would have tried to be so much independant when I first started a placement here. Nevermind, it's two years later. Actually 2 years and 1 day. I started my placement at the College on 28/09/2009.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here, I'm only here because of someone else's mistake. Forget about it!

Work feels long, nothing has been too difficult here, I think I've made a good impression on a number of people here, more so then I did when I was on placement. I don't know if it's I'm a bit more confident, but people approach me like I know stuff. I don't know. I'm slightly overwhelmed at the moment. People actually think I'm good at my job. It means a lot to have the respect of my colleagues. Might be one of the most important things for me when working. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a weak link.

I had a think about things. I realised I'll probably never be happy, or rich, or content with things.

The way I see it is, life is tough, and some people just get dealt a better hand in life. In a lot of ways, my situation is amazing in comparison to a lot of other people. It just doesn't feel like it. I've seen miserable people, I'm miserable, but I think I hide it fairly well. I don't think a lot of people I know would assume I don't want to be alive, aside from the one or two people I've told. But there you go. - Random thought, am I lying? I don't seem to be too bad at it tbh. I don't want to be a good liar though. Not exactly a good trait to have. Weird thing is, I'm not sure it really bothers me.

But I think I'm ok with this. There are reasons to stick around, I guess I just have to keep looking for them. Life is what I make of it, sure things aren't great and I can't help feeling like shit cause it seems to be hard-wired into me.

Hardy fucking har!
Someone changed me. I don't think they know they've done it. I wasn't always like this.

I hate the way you look

I hate the way you talk

I hate the way you look down your nose and shake your head with a stupid smile on your face

I hate that it takes so long for you to get back to me

I hate that I wait around for you to get back to me

I hate the way you walk

I hate that I can make you laugh and that I always try to go out of my way to make you laugh

I hate that you seem to be somewhat different

I hate that your funny

I hate that you just get it.

Worst of all?

I really don't hate you....Not at all.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Lazy. Can't be bothered updating this. Nothing new, working at the moment. Less time to dick around I guess. Still need to find permanent work though. That's about it. Kinda' just lumbering along at the moment, it's fine, it's ok. Seems like a waste though.

I can't seem to forget things, or let of things. Bit of an issue. Things or people that don't matter (maybe things or people I actually want to matter) still bother me. I don't think I'm going to put the effort in with some people.
"Hey oh! Forget about it!"

Still somewhat unhappy though, I don't think anyone really clicks on, I seem to be able to get through everyday without people even assuming I'm miserable. Not sure if it's good or bad. Can be draining though, especially when you kinda' have to keep this stupid grin on your face for the best part of the day. Working in an environment where customer support is important probably isn't the best place for me.

A fair few people here seems to have this fakeness to them. Everyone's happy to smile and be polite to other people to get what they want. Don't get me wrong, not everyone is like this, but a lot of them are, it's become really obvious who these people are. But I guess it's become much more obvious with people I've met over the past year while studying too. I don't want to harp on it, but I remember someone telling me "do you think we'll ever see them again after uni? maybe they were just friendly with us cause it was convenient." I kinda' just said "I dunno', I hope not." It was wishful thinking on my part. Pretty fucking gutted. I'm not sure, sometimes I really think they really didn't give a shit. Other times I think their just oblivious to the whole thing. It doesn't matter. It changes nothing. I went out of my way for a one person. I don't even know why, I knew I wouldn't get anything in return, there was no payout. I was positive they wouldn't really care if I put the effort in or not. I'm not complaining, not at all. I just..I don't know. I really don't.

There are people who are genuine, I like these people. They don't seem to want anything from you, and even if they give you something they don't really want anything in return.

Anyways, I'm working at the College I did my placement at, I'm actually getting paid this time though. Pretty chuffed about that. Strange thing happened, on my way home, go to the train station, there's a bloke asking for money. Told him I had nothing. He called me a dick. I didn't bother saying anything back. The thing is, I remember this guy from when I was on placement, this was over a year ago. He asked for some money. I gave him enough to buy a sandwich and a drink. He clearly didn't remember. I don't even know why I remember.

Seriously, fuck that guy. I'm the dick? No, I'm positive I'm not the dick. I was hardly earning anything while I was on placement I should have just said no, I don't have anything. Ungrateful cunt.

Saturday, 10 September 2011

I think I'm ok. I haven't really been able to say that for a while. Wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm certainly not miserable.

I figured some stuff out today and yesterday. I'm actually working at the College I worked at a year ago. I don't think I'll be there longer than a month, not my choice. But it really isn't a bad place to work, gives me a bit of time just to make a little money and hopefully find something a bit more permanent for a while.

I think someones been dropping hints throughout the best part of the year. Sadly I'm a bit of a moron and I never really picked them. Nevermind, took long enough, but I think I've figured it out. I'm not really too bothered about it. I think I really would have been gutted a bit ago. But I'm pretty sure I'm not a bad person. I'll say it was their loss and I'll leave it at that. (Might not be their loss at all, but fuck, it's absolutely fine).

I think I'm going to go sleep early, wake up and be somewhat productive. Well that's the plan, hopefully I'll stick it through.

I haven't posted here in a while. But I'm not sure I need to anymore. I think it's served it's purpose. I guess I'll see how things go. Hoping well.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

I don't think the interviews went too badly. I'm still pretty pessimistic, never thought I'd be accustomed to being rejected. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'll find out sometime next week. Part of me really doesn't care.

I don't have anything else to put here. Goodbye.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

That feeling, that fucking feeling.

Anyways, I have a couple of interviews over the next two days. One on Thursday, the other on Friday. I don't think I'll get any of them. Not being negative, just honest. I'm pretty down about the whole thing. The one tomorrow I'm expecting them to think I'm far more experienced than I actually am. The one on Friday I think they want me to be more technical than I actually am. It's miserable. I don't know what to do if I'm being honest.

Could possibly end up with a third interview next week.

The recruiter said to me as long as I know I tried my best and I couldn't do any more I shouldn't be disappointed if I didn't get the job. That it simply wasn't right for me. I guess that's and ideal way to look at things, but the truth is, there was something wrong with me and that's why I didn't get the job. It just sounds like a way to pass blame.

I came to this weird conclusion the other day. I just don't care. I really don't give a shit about anything. My dad was asking me why I wasn't more assertive about hassling him for a car. I've had my licence for around 3 years. But I just don't care. When we go out has a family, I don't care. I don't want to go anywhere. When I go out with friends, I really don't care. I try to keep up appearances to avoid being such a recluse. I'm not sure I really care about people. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. These are things I should care about, but I can't force myself to care. Honestly, I don't care about finding work, but I do because I know I have to. It's just what people do.

Tomorrow I'll have to wake up, put on a face and just fucking go with it. I know I'm miserable, but no one else needs to know.

I remember someone said if you had the choice to go back 5 years with the knowledge you have now what would you change?

Thinking about it, I wouldn't go want to go back. I don't think I could change anything. I think it would just mean another 5 years I would be like this. I don't think it would change anything.

Maybe I'll feel different 5 years in the future. It's strange cause I'm positive one thing could change everything. But it won't happen. There's no point pushing it. I know the result. But it's more of a "what next" scenario. I get what I want, what then? Maybe I don't change at all? Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Or maybe the grass was well and truly greener on the other side.

I think everyone is different around people. I guess you never really know anyone. I remember someone I knew telling me they were on anti-depressants. I always thought this person had it together. Truth was it wasn't the case at all. I felt bad, how could someone I saw as secure (together? intelligent? I know what I mean I just can't find the words. I guess together, I mean just complete as a person.),they knew where they were going, seemed happy a lot of time. Wasn't the case at all. After I found out, it seemed to be pretty obvious when they weren't happy though, makes me wonder how oblivious I really was. This person isn't a bad person either. I guess I just had this stupid idea that bad things shouldn't happen to decent people. But that's just naive.

Maybe people are calling out for help all time, I'm just blind. It just took me by surprise. I'll never know why they told me, I don't know if I should ask why. Maybe they told a few people, I really doubt that they thought I was the only person they could tell. I guess it's irrelevant. I guess it just felt like it didn't make sense. I would have never thought they could be in that situation, quite possibly the last person I would have thought would be. Maybe I have things together better than I think. It just doesn't feel like it.

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment. I'm going to go sleep. I hope tomorrow is better.

Friday, 26 August 2011

Something important and groundbreaking here

Saw this facebook group today: Respect to All mums out there. 'Heaven lies at the feet of your mother'

Thought it was fucking ridiculous, I love my mum, but I certainly don't agree with a lot of what she says. What ever though, I might be completely wrong. 1262 people couldn't be wrong....right?

So, I have a phone interview tomorrow, I'm fairly prepared for it, it's supposed to be extremely short. I'm looking forward to it in a weird way. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out. I have to ring him, which is certainly different. But we shall see how it goes.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. It isn't because of the interview. I felt like this before too. It's a horrible feeling, mainly because I can't help it. I guess it's strange how someone can dictate how you feel without really knowing what their doing. I don't want to be alive, but I'm not suicidal. I just don't see the point. Well there's a few reasons, for some reason people seem to like me, I think they'd be upset if I suddenly wasn't here. I don't want to cause anyone else any grief.

Strange, I think one thing could change my entire outlook on everything. But I think it's asking too much. I guess I'll never know until I follow through. I don't see much point in doing so. Is there any point of asking a question you know the answer to? I guess not.

I think I'll be happy when it's all said and done. Instead I have to go through this fucking humdrum, this thing, this life. fucks sake.  It shouldn't be this taxing.

I can't help feeling like this, it's just how I am. I do wonder if people had treated me different while I was younger would I be a completely different person. I guess it's easier to blame other people on our own problems or insecurities, it's essentially mitigating blame and it means we don't have to look at ourselves and look at our faults. I don't blame anyone. I am who I am and I always have the choice of changing myself.

I don't really like a lot of people, the people I do like I try to keep in contact with. There's a lot of people I don't like. I think I'm just bitter, it's strange that I can dislike people for next to no reason. I like to think I'm not ignorant, but I guess I really am. How can I dislike a person based on a statement, the way the look or act. Seems insane, but that's what I seem to be doing.

I'm so negative, all I really want is just to be happy. Seems like it's a lot harder than it should be.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Still here

I don't have much to say at the moment. I got a call from a recruiter at a strange time, I need to wake up earlier so I don't sound like death when I get phone calls at 11 in the morning -__-

Same old same old


Friday, 19 August 2011


I woke up this morning, looked at the time and thought "fuck this is gonna' be a long day"

It was long. It just wouldn't end. Well it's 11pm now and I'm not tired after wanting to just sleep for the entire day. I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment to avoid going to sleep. It's working at the moment.

Remember that person I said I was trying to avoid? (I'm pretty sure I put it here) keeps talking to me every so often. It's not that I don't enjoy talking to them, it's quite the opposite, and that's the problem. I think it'll stop in a week or so.

I've been slightly worried (well trying to get worried) about my lack of caring about anything lately. I mean I do care about people, I think. Right now I'm apathetic about everything. People, life, the future. I just don't care, living should be motivation enough, but it just really isn't. I don't know.

Dad's in hospital for a procedure, he's anemic, the doctor wanted to see if there was any internal blood leakage. I should be really worried. But I'm not bothered at all. I don't know why. I know I should care, but it's just happening, and I'm just here. Nothing. I guess I'm not all here? I don't know. I'm so confused right now.

There just doesn't seem like there's a reason, a point for being here. I'm so lost at the moment and I'm pretty sure no one will understand or care without looking at me and thinking what the fuck is wrong with him.


Wednesday, 17 August 2011


I dont want to be here or anywhere at the moment. I'm feeling real crappy right now. Bad day, I don't even want to harp on it. What would be the point, it's happened now. I don't think it was my fault, no I know it wasn't my fault. I didn't even do anything to provoke it. Problem is, I felt like it was my fault. Fuck it.

I think I'm far to insecure, I think everyone has insecurities, I don't think I could talk to anyone about them though. I think the worst one is that I feel like no one likes me and they just kinda' put up with me cause it's the nice thing to do. I don't have any reason to think like that, no ones directly told me. Just something that's bothered me for years. I guess, I don't like myself, so why should anyone else?

Anyways. Nothing is no different from the day before so I really don't have anything to put here. I think I'm just going to sleep. Fucking waster.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Something meaningful here.

I was thinking, is life a predetermined path? Or is it just a bunch of random choices? I mean if I decided I was going to do nothing for the rest of my life, was that my choice? Cause if it's a predetermined path then it really wasn't. A predetermined path would mean that we don't have any freedom over the choices we make, if it's going to happen, then it's going to happen. There was no way to avoid it, if I was going to get hit by a car tomorrow then that's it.

If life is a predetermined path then surely there's a greater power dictating it. I wonder, it's seems like a shitload of work to create a story(a path? a road map?) for every single person in the world. Life being a predetermined path seems unfair, no matter what I'll do I will be whatever was predetermined for me. In someway, it would be comforting, I could fob off anything that happened me and decide it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But if life isn't predetermined I'd have to look at myself, and say "Shit. Was that my fault? Should I have said that? Maybe if I did this, maybe if I did that".

I think this is why people believe in God or a higher power, I don't think it's a massive commitment either (Just to clarify I don't pray weekly or anything like that), even if you're unsure about God existing all you really have to do is commit a few hours a week for someone who might or might not be there. And fuck if you're wrong, it won't make a difference once your dead cause if you were wrong, you aren't gonna' know you were wrong. But if you were right, God's up there in heaven happily sitting on a cloud with a list of people who dedicated their time to him in life. I guess you'd be set for the rest of your afterlife.

I don't know if I believe in God, but if there is a higher power, I don't think God really cares about everyone, or maybe God does care, but God doesn't have the power dictate how people act. Maybe the galaxy is just God's 'ant farm' and God is just watching how we've all evolved over the years, how we've colonized Earth.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, it doesn't matter I guess, sounds like stoner talk. Fuck if I know.

I want to sleep. But I'm not tired. I don't want to sleep too late because I'll wake up late. Might just set my alarm for 9 and sleep early tomorrow night. I don't know. It doesn't really matter anyways.  Just rambling at the moment.

I want to go away for a awhile. Just disappear for a few weeks or something. Not even take my phone. Just forget everything. I'm not sure where, I know I want to though.

I had this weird dream a few days ago. I can't remember much of it, but one part kinda' just stuck with. Was a shitload of dead animals in nets, everything was black and all I could see were these nets. I don't even know how I thought that up. Woke up feeling weird though. I don't know what it meant. I remember whining a little about how mundane my dreams were, looking back I'd rather of had a mundane dream than seeing that. I think I might start trying to document my dreams, or my weirder ones anyways. Could start finding something interesting. Can't be worse than waking up and looking for work.

Nunwood didn't get back to me on Friday, so I'm expecting an email on Monday containing a shitload of rejection. Oh well. Maybe they had more people to see on Monday? If it was that bad they'd of got back to me on Friday I guess.

I'm done anyways.


Saturday, 13 August 2011

I can't think of anything to put here so I'll just type bollocks.

I had the test, fuck it was difficult. My initial concern was right. They didn't get back to me on Friday so I'm waiting for an email on Monday saying "sorry, but better luck elsewhere". Not a big deal I guess, I would just have to deal with it and do what I always do, keep on truckin'.

The other day my neighbour's son told me he was doing a powerpoint for school about his friends. He decided to put me on there. He's only 6. Their family friends we've known them for as long as we've lived here. I think around 15 years. Adorable little git. It was nice, nice to know that he was genuine, I don't think he knows what it meant to me. Was good to know that someone likes me. He always runs up to me and gives me a hug, used to be all manly and shake my hand. Ha, not quite sure why he likes me so much. He's kinda' like my little brother I guess.

Had a terrible morning, I woke up, I  didn't want to get up, but I did, walked around the house, no one was home. Decided I wanted to go back to sleep. It's all I wanted to do all day. Not sure what was wrong. A lot of the time all I want to do is sleep. Such a waster.


Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Yada yada yada

The Wire is on TV, it's the scene where Omar is in court and he just wraps a tie around his neck. Such a superb series and character, gutted it's over now.

Anyways, second stage for the job interview tomorrow, slightly concerned about the test. Mainly cause I really have no idea what it will consist of. I'll try and be optimistic, but I'll be ready incase I look at the test and have no idea what to do. I seriously hope that isn't the case. But if that's the case, I think I'll need to prepared for rejection.

This week has gone too fast, it'll be Thursday tomorrow, I think it's been over the month since I finished Uni, essentially a month of being idle. Somewhat disappointing, at a bit of a loss here. fuck shit crap bollocks.

Usual crap going on at the moment. Not sure what to now. I want to talk to someone, no idea what to say though. *shrug* I probably won't bother. I don't want to deal with feeling crappy after, I overthink things. I wish I didn't. But I do, not really a good thing.

I'm done.


Monday, 8 August 2011

A whole lot of nothing

I had my interview, went well. I was invited for a second interview, from what I know, it consists of a test....and that's it. It's supposed to be a test I can't prepare for. The only thing that comes to mind are aptitude tests. And possibly a drug test. *shrug*. I dunno.

I went to London, it was ok, seems to be a whole lot of rioting going on there at the moment. Sounds like a terrible situation for any one living there. I don't know what to say. Must be horrible to have your home or lively hood destroyed. Not sure how people could go around destroying everything. Mob mentality I guess.

I want to say something, not that it matters or will change anything. But I won't say it. Worst that could happen is someone says no. No can be a horrible word I guess - rejection? Not sure. I don't really want to hear no. But I don't want to force it either. Strange what people do for other people, knowing nothing will come out of it. Stupid? Maybe just hopeful.

Browsing facebook, alot of guys seems to have this idea that girls don't like nice girls, guys putting up meaningful bollocks about love and how a girl doesn't care about them back (seriously? No one cares, do what a normal person does and bottle it up, or get a blog - >____>"). Nobody likes a whiny person, I think there's a fine line between being sensitive and borderline crying all the time. But I guess that's them.

Why the fuck would you want to be with someone like that? It goes both ways. Maybe I should tell them to man the fuck up. It doesn't make a difference to me. I can understand where their coming from, but their just hurting themselves. If she doesn't like him, maybe he should stop giving a fuck and hoping that'll she'll come to him and be all 'I LOVE YOU!'

I blame movies, stories, tv, it's a stupid idea that everything just works out. Life isn't like that, and you're naive if you think that's the case. Stories and made to sell, no one wants to hear about the nice guy who didn't get with the hot woman, right?

People are shallow, good luck trying to start off a relationship where you aren't physically attracted to the person, people won't admit it though, being shallow is deemed has a poor quality. No one wants to be called shallow. But that's just how it is, I don't think it's a poor quality, it's a real quality.

I'm shallow, I was pining for someone (was - implying I'm still not, I manage though, not has bad has it was). I thought about it once, if it was the other way round, she didn't look like she did, and I looked better. Would I even take notice? Probably not, was a sad truth. I guess I didn't want to be shallow. But I am, I can't help it. Saying everyone is shallow might just be my way of dealing with it. But I really don't think I'm wrong here.

Whatever I guess.


Thursday, 4 August 2011

Is that an oxymoron? I don't even know

How could be the best day of the week also be the worst day of the week? Fuck it, it isn't worth harping on.

I had a job interview today, was pretty different, was with 3 people - one person in the room, one over the phone, and one via video link. I don't think it went too bad. The second stage is a test, I'm slightly worried about it, mainly cause I think they might think I'm more technical than I actually am. I hope I can live up to expectations. I'm not even sure what'll it will consist of. The job requires SQL but the job spec said it was desirable. I guess I shouldn't over think it.

London this weekend, I wish I was in better spirits for it. Fuck I really don't think I want to go, last week I was really looking forward to it.

I don't know what to write here at the moment. I really want pizza. I'm gonna find something drink. Sadly, there seems to be neither in the house. I might just go out tomorrow and try and grab something. It's only me at home during the day anyways.

I'm not really lonely, I seem to be quite happy being a recluse at the moment. I just need something to occupy myself. Bored with video games again, I played a bit more of Breath of Fire 3 and it's just done a time jump so Ryu is now an adult. Also got bought minecraft, got buyers remorse 10 minutes after. I think I just need to find a good server with decent people I guess.

I want to go on holiday for a few weeks. Just go and not think about anything. Sleep all day, somewhere with nice weather. Guess it isn't really an option at the moment.


Sunday, 24 July 2011

Blah blah blah yada yada

Strange few days, haven't felt like crap at all. For some strange reason, quite the opposite. I don't even have anything in particular to be happy about. I haven't felt shitty though. That's a good thing I guess. Starting to wonder if I'm bi-polar? Dunno, should probably get a professional opinion though.

I started playing Breath of Fire again recently, I got further than that the first time I tried playing the game. I have an Onion on my team, I'm tempted to get rid of Garr in favour for the Onion, he seems to level up fast and gets stupid amounts of HP, I think he'd make a good tank. I've been using Nina has my second team member, googling around suggests I should probably pick Momo, but she can't shoot for shit and misses every single time. I've just got to Angel Tower, interested to see how it all plays out.

I've also been playing Mount and Blade Warband, it's far better than I thought it would be, I haven't got around to downloading mods for it yet either. I made a character called Sabo the Worthless, I can rename him later and will probably change it to Worthy and when I get a castle or become a King I'll change it to Sabo Cashmoney.

I started off as a nobody, made myself a small army, became a mercenary for a while but I've aligned myself with Sarranid Sultante. I think it's called a vassal? I should look it up, but not now. I wish I didn't, the King, Sultan Hakim is a greedy bastard, I've sieged three castles successfully for him and he claimed them all for himself. My reward was a village (Sarrindar? - I can't even remember the name, I'm a terrible lord) but it's in the middle of the Kingdom of Rhodoks so it's constantly raided.  I guess Hakim being a jerk will make it easier when I inevitably decide to overthrow him as King.  Also tried to court Lady Safiya. Was hilarious, she sent some old woman to give me a letter so we could meet. Turn's out Emir Bilya is also trying court her. Scandalous wench!

I decided to talk with her brother, Emir Lakhim, ya know, get his permission or something, if I marry into their family it gives me a good opportunity to get some more land (well it's not there's any real life benefit to marrying in woman in a game). He told me something along the lines of "Listen here lad, she's currently being courted by Emir Bilya, and let's face it, in comparison to him, your no spring chicken". Felt bad, it's like art imitating life.

The Kingdom of the Rhodoks, hate me, their out to kill me, I tend to constantly takeout their armies whenever I see them out on the field though so it's expected.

Anyways, I'm gonna try gain some more renown, get some people behind me and take the throne. Everyone whose a lord within Sarranid Sultante is a jerk, no bro's there thats for sure. If I get the chance, I'll join the Nords or something.

Anywho! Still job hunting, I can't really apply for fulltime work on the weekend cause no one puts up new vacancies on the weekend. Sucks.

In a bit.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Life as Narrative?

I graduated yesterday, still would have rather slept in than woke up to go there. Was an interesting day though, met Imran Khan, he looked pretty bored though, gave quite the speech, he should consider motivational speaking if he doesn't already do it.

I met someone I worked with/worked for yesterday while I was at Uni. Was probably the highlight of the day, she seems (I say seems cause it isn't like I know her outside working with her) like a genuinely nice person. Not too many people like that.

Anyways, having spare time I get a lot of time to read among other things. I did miss reading things other than university related crap. I read some stuff related to life, came across life as narrative.

I guess if my life is a narrative, am I the hero the in this my story? Maybe I'm the villain in someone else's story? More than likely I'm an extra who doesn't really contribute anything to this story. I guess I could be the troubled protagonist (but surely, wouldn't everyone play this role?). I don't know, over thinking things I guess. Gotta' keep myself occupied somehow.

Job hunting is......happening, just keep applying, somewhat stressful though. I'm doing what I can. Gotta' keep applying, surely something will come up. Mind some people define insanity as doing the same thing and expecting a different result. By that logic I should stop looking for work. That isn't even an option.

I'm enjoying sleep much more than usual, I think it's because when I'm sleeping I don't have to think about anything or anyone. When I wake up, I want to carry on sleeping, even when I'm not tired. Sadly my dreams are really mundane, I mean why would I dream about things I do on a regular basis like running errands or having a shower? Tempted to start trying to lucid dream again, I've had success with it before. I think I stopped trying because I'd have amazing dreams and then I'd wake up and life in comparison to my dreams just weren't the same. How could it be? I was dreaming and I could do anything I wanted, when I was awake I was just me. I'm not sure if lucid dreaming was worth the come down if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I think I'm done talking crap. I don't have anything else to say.

Friday, 15 July 2011

Just the same old stuff as before.

Crappy few days. Well day and a half I guess. Wednesday was ok, I was fairly cheery for most of the day, I even went to the cinema with my sister to watch Transformers (not a bad film, but I really don't care for the human characters, in a weird way I wanted the Decepticons to win,

SPOILERS HERE************************************************************************
would like to see Galvatron if they decide to make another one <---- Highlight that shit if you want to see what I want in the next movie
I also gladly paid for everything too, made some terrible jokes and my sister seemed happy. She asked me why I always seem to be in a mood, I didn't want to tell her. Around 6ish I felt crap again, I should stop thinking, it's only when I start thinking I feel shitty.

Got my module results officially yesterday. Spoke to some people, certain people make me feel crappy when I talk to them to various reasons. It's not because of anything they've done to me specifically, it's just stuff. Fuck I don't really even want to say it. I won't say who or why, but I'll read this back and hopefully I'll have no idea who I'm talking about. I decided I'd try to avoid talking to them, but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

The job market doesn't seem amazing, or if it is I'm doing one bad job applying to jobs. Somewhat frustrating to apply to jobs and not even receive a rejection letter as strange as it sounds. Just sitting there with my stupid face and applying to vacancies. Might have to step it up and start sending out speculative emails to businesses. It can't hurt. Worse case I guess they laugh and tell me to piss off.

I think I need to get out of the house or something, seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. That or menopause I guess. The latter would be worrying considering I'm not a woman. Not sure what I can do about it. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, don't see why anyone would give a shit.

I've started playing video games and enjoying them again. It was weird, 4 months ago I was at Uni from 11 till 6, did some more work till around 8, and then played games till around 2 in the morning, sometimes later. The Witcher and Fallout 3. I mean fuck I stayed up till 6 playing The Witcher. More recently I couldn't play anything for more than an hour.

Ended up playing FF8 again the other day, think I've played around 8 hours? and just finished the first disc. Spent alot of time playing cards and battles that mostly consisted for draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw, draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw,draw, and then attack.

Was somewhat appealing down bosses in a few shots, but fuck, I can't face the grind, if I recall the game gets a fair bit shitter after the first disc.

Started Breath of Fire 3 again, I remember playing it back in school but never really got into it cause I kept getting killed. I think it was against those two horses fuse after Garr joins your party? Not sure, Nina just joined my party and we got out of the castle. I'm looking forward to playing again to be honest.

Bit random, but I came across a dude who does longplays of games on youtube who decided to put a 'freeze' on his uploads cause he wasn't getting enough views, strangely he was bitching at his subscribers in a video about how they weren't watching his viewers and how his hobby is such a time sink. I don't understand it, if it's a hobby, you do it for yourself, right? if you don't enjoy it, why bother? He came across pretty childish, didn't make any sense to me.

But yeah, whatever, just something I came across, people can be so strange. Really don't understand people or the things they do. Sometimes I wish I would, but I don't think it would help much, just confuse me more I guess.

This was long, for some reason I still want to keep typing, I'm not even sure what I can write about. I think I'll leave it that for now.


Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Strange sense of something or the other

Felt somewhat crappy this morning, probably was still reeling from Sunday's rejection. Fine, sure, whatever.

I schleped myself up to Uni today to pick up my project, didn't bother telling anyone I'd be there, I don't think I wanted any company this morning. Was a bit of a waste anyway, got there, didn't even receive my grade or feedback for the project. Just a bound report I gave them. Seemed somewhat redundant, it isn't like I'm proud of this piece of shit report I spent the bulk of the year. I mean what am I supposed do with it? Maybe I'll showcase it to people when they come visit?

I don't know why I'm complaining about this. I complained about having to pay to get it printed and bound. Now I get a copy back, I don't want it. Needlessly indecisive.

Anyways, somewhat annoyed I talked with a tutor and asked why I didn't get feedback, so she let me view my module results, good stuff I guess, meant I didn't have to wait another few days. My results were good. Better than I should have got if we're going off what I got in my second year. I don't think I've ever worked this much before. It's not like it matters, still don't really give a shit. I should be happy and chuffed my hard work paid off. I just don't really care. Not sure why I'm so apathetic about it.

About the job stuff, I figured I should stop caring, I didn't get a job, there's nothing else I can do about that. I just have to carry on. Feeling shitty and whining about it won't change anything.

I guess that's the end of this thing. This stuff. This I don't even know.


Monday, 11 July 2011


Eh it wasn't what I was hoping for. Strange, I tried to be as pessimistic as possible so if it was bad news it was exactly what I expected it would be. Still felt shit as when I got the email though.

But I guess there's nothing else to do other than just carry on.

It's just frustrating to invest so much time and effort and feels like it was for nothing, 3 phone interviews, one face to face interview, a presentation and a group task. Not to mention spending the large bulk of 2 days travelling. Sadly I can't blame anyone else but myself, I simply wasn't good enough.

Shit. That was terrible to type and read back to myself.

Not sure if I'll have another opportunity that good for a while, I don't really want to be cheered up right now. I'm fairly content being in a shitty mood. 


Friday, 8 July 2011


Nervous as at the moment. Turns out they aren't entirely sure if they want to hire me, so I ended up having to have another phone interview just a bit ago. The reason being they thought I had strong deployable skills, but the person in charge of the position didn't get to interview me, so we had a phone interview. I hope it went well, I mean I seriously hope it went well. I'm not sure how it went. I'm trying not to be too optimistic, there's nothing worse when you're expecting good news and it turns out that it isn't good all.

Hopefully I'll find out within the hour, or by Monday morning (preferably within the hour cause I'll be all anxious over the weekend). I can't bare waiting.

Here's hoping to some good news.


EDIT: Gonna' have to wait till Monday, it's only tomorrow, the day will go by fast enough. Not looking forward to the waiting though. Just kinda' sat here with a stupid face on.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

The long road home!

Had my assessment centre yesterday. Seriously hoping for good news, I don't have a whole lot going on for me at the moment. I really hope this works out, I think left a good impression on them. But I'm sure everyone else did. The other people did too. There were 7 of us, most of them seemed decent. I went for a drink with a couple of them after, I should find out today or tomorrow. I'm not expecting good news. Not that I did bad, just maybe the others were more competent. I wouldn't know though, I wasn't there for their interviews or presentations. I can only do what I did and hope it was good enough.

I'm in London on a coach at the moment, looking forward to coming back home. In a strange way I enjoyed the travel, it was weird.

I don't like Southall. I won't explain. I can't be bothered.

I think I'm done with feeling crap (ha like I can't turn it on or off on demand). I'll whine about it sometime soon. Typing on a phone isn't really easy.

I think that's it for now, next time I update it'll hopefully be good news.


Monday, 4 July 2011

Things and other stuff

Hoi hoi.

Spent the best part of yesterday and today trying to prepare for my interview. I managed to start and be somewhat productive!

HP's Corporate objectives are:
Customer Loyalty - providing high quality technology, services and solutions to earn customer loyalty
Profit - profit helps support meeting all objectives, expand into new business opportunities
Growth - viewing change in the market place as opportunity
Market Leadership - expanding into new areas that help build technologies
Leadership Capabilities - developing leaders at every level who account for achieving business results
Employee Commitment - helping employee's share in the success created by the company
Global Citizenship - being an economical, social and technological asset to each country and community

Not bad I guess, that's them in a nutshell. took me a minute to recall them all but I managed it, I hope they don't expect me to remember all the beliefs that support it too. I've still got time though and a 5 hour journey to learn them.

Slightly worried about the presentation, not sure if I'll be able to fill up 10 minutes worth of spiel, I'll have to start timing myself and learning my 'script' tomorrow. Hopefully it'll reach around 7 minutes at least.

Aside from that, I haven't felt too over the past few days. Which is good I guess.

I've been thinking lately, I mean this question comes up a lot. "What would you do differently?" And that's in regards to life in general. I've thought that if I could go back 10 years and know what I know now I could dictate how my life turns out. I feel like I know a lot, but I don't really know anything at all. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway, if I could change things, I wonder how different life would be? I mean I really don't like the University I ended up at, I think I might have been better off moving away, who knows, I might have enjoyed it that way. It's important to note the people at the University I've met are great. (staff and peers alike). There's a lot of people I'm happy to stay in contact with, I probably wouldn't know these people if I hadn't made the choices I've made up until now. (I wonder if these people would feel the same way about me? Might be better off not knowing).

There's still more stuff I want to talk about, it's strange, I'm positive no one will read this but me. But I just don't feel like I can type it out. It might just be trivial, but it's important to me.

I lied before when I said I didn't know what was bothering me. It's been bothering me for ages (even back when I was studying). I just can't talk about it, it's important to say that it's nothing major. I just can't talk about it (not like I've been sworn to secrecy I just physically can't). It's hard to describe and it probably doesn't make sense. Maybe sometime I'll be able to talk about it, I haven't told anyone about it. But when people to ask me what's wrong, I feel fucking terrible.

Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe it won't be an issue in the future. Here's hoping to that eh?


Friday, 1 July 2011

Same old

Hoi hoi.

Spent most of Thursday feeling all crappy. Not quite sure why, went to town, sorted some crap out. My sister was adamant about coming with me, not really sure why she wanted to come along. She noticed I was in a mood, was weird she asked me what was wrong, I couldn't tell her simply cause I didn't know. We got pizza though, was quite good, can't say it improved my mood or anything though.

Today I found out I have a degree, a 2:1 nonetheless. Really put in the work both semesters and I guess it paid off. Strangely enough, that didn't improve my mood either. I just sat there staring at this .pdf document, not giving a shit about what it meant. I should have pleased at the very least, it was a years worth of work, I was almost convinced I would get a 2:2. I guess it just wasn't that important to me. People seem real pleased with their results, the kinda' pleased where you want to tell everyone, good for them! (I'm not being sarcastic, that's sincere)

Need to sort out graduation stuff now, it seems to mean a lot to my parents. It really doesn't mean anything to me. Seems like a giant waste of time and money. I think I'll go though, my parents really want me to go, I owe them that much (I actually owe them a lot more).

I have a job interview next Wednesday, been preparing for that. It means a lot. I think I want this, maybe need it. I've thought about it long and hard, I'm convinced I want to move away from the next, spread my wings (pointless metaphor). It's not often I know I have do something and think I can make a good go of this. I feel like I could with this interview.

I don't know if anyone's reading this, but I guess this isn't for you. More for myself. But if you are, I don't intend for this to sound grim or anything. It's a sort of outlet, I'm hoping to look back on this in a year or so and have a different outlook on things.

I should change the title of this blog. I'm not even a student any more.


Saturday, 25 June 2011


I haven't posted here in ages. I probably won't post here regularly anyways.

I remember posting here and being cautious about what I put up here. Right now, I'm not too bothered, might feel different later though.

I guess I didn't want people to think a certain way about me or whatever. What people think of me is quite important. Well certain people anyways. I could care less about what strangers think of me. I feel like the people I see regularly are the ones I have to keep a good image in front of. If they don't like me, I'm absolutely gutted. Thing is, I'll go out of my way to help these people, I don't even want anything in return either, not a favour or anything. I guess knowing I helped someone is more than enough.

Anyways, I've finished uni now, results should be out sometime soon. Not entirely sure I want to see them. Don't think I've ever worked so hard before, I was so burned out when second semester started, I'm worried I didn't do enough. I'm pretty positive I've passed, but passing just isn't enough.

I have an assessment centre next month. If I do well enough I'll get a job, I think it would be a nice conclusion to this degree. I'd have to move and live somewhere else. The job also requires I travel to different clients. Sounds amazing, not entirely sure how I've got this far in the application process. I hope I'm more competent then I think.

Been at home since uni finished. Becoming increasingly more depressed? (might be unfair to use that word cause there are people who are legitimately depressed) days feel so long. Don't really enjoy doing anything I used to, I used to love playing MMO's. Now I can't play anything for more than an hour without getting bored and switching off. I remember when The Witcher 2 came out. I held off buying it cause of uni. Now I have it I can hardly play it for more than an hour.

It's weird. I got like this during uni too, I couldn't really eat, I didn't want to talk to anyone. Strangely I used to get so much work done when I was in t hese states. Began happening a lot more towards the end of uni. Occasionally, I feel the complete opposite. I feel like I have unlimited energy, everything is infinitely better. Like food tastes great, people seem more interesting, music sounds amazing. I wasn't productive when I felt like that. But it didn't matter. I felt like I had injected with some crazy drug, sad thing is I'd always come back down and feel shitty again.

I haven't had that feeling for ages.

I don't really feel better about typing this all. My thumbs feel stiff (did this from my phone). I don't talk to people about this sort of stuff cause I feel like no one really wants to hear my bullshit. Everyone has their own crap to deal with.

Whatever anyways.


Sunday, 27 February 2011

Studying on a sunday? It's more likely than you think!

Ended up going to University to do a bit of work today, it's nice not having the computer labs swarmed with people who most of the time won't shut up. So frustrating cause I lose my track of thought so easily, but Sundays are great, there's only around 2 or 3 people about. Tend to be extremely productive on those kinda' days. Expecting the labs to full as towards the end of the semester. Tempted to find somewhere else to complete my Uni work, home isn't a good idea, I tend to get distracted pretty easi... oooo shiny. Main reason being there's one dude who keeps hassling me for help, fuck if I'm going to help someone who can't help me in anyway. How do you go three years on a computer science course and not learn a programming language. I don't think I'm being selfish either. I'm just trying to get a degree.
Maybe I should point him to ThatBrokeProgrammer's blog haha

On a plus note, I thought this was funny

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Radio Drama and other things

So I spend a fair bit of time programming at University and things get dull. Seriously fucking dull.
Any suggestions on how to pass the time? Recently I can't seem to find any good music, I've been listening to Thin Lizzy's Live and Dangerous Album which is superb but I'm postive I'm gonna' get bored of it soon.
Previously I'was been listening to two of these Podcast Drama's:
We're Alive is a fair bit better imo, but on the edge of darkness isn't too bad.
I also saw this the other day. Freaked me the fuck out. Old as apparently though

Friday, 25 February 2011

What a mediocre day

Spent a large chunk of the day trying to read journal and conference papers. Just so fucking boring. Managed to get some programming done, but tomorrow I'll be looking forward to a whole lot of nothing! Oh right!

On a side note, here's a baby wrecking a bar.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

So it begins.

I had a blog once, it didn't end well, or start well for that matter.
I can't guarantee I'll be interesting, but I'll post daily crap I see from day to day, hell I might post something about an interesting topic I find online. Either way, hello and have a whale of a time.
Whale? Who says whale? Moron >__>